What's in a Name?

I want to take a little time to talk about team names in sports.  This post has been bubbling up in me for awhile now.  I have not taken it on yet, because I fear it is too big for me to handle.  As I thought about names and tried to think of a formula for what made the best team names in sports.  There is no such formula, but here are some ground rules.

Rule #1: Age and success can make a bad name into a good name.

 One problem is some of the best names in sports have mainly to do with their age and the success of the team.  We get all mushy gushy about team names like the Celtics, Lakers, and Knicks.  These are classic names, of big market teams, with a history of success (less so for the Knicks).  I, for one, think they are three of the finest names in sports, but if you used their methods of naming for an expansion team today, you would be laughed at. The Celtics are named after an ethnic group from Ireland, only they used the wrong pronunciation.  The Lakers, of course, moved from Minneapolis, but are still named after a geographical feature that the Southern California is not know for.  And the Knicks are named after pants (Knickerbockers).  Yet due to some grandfather clause, they are fantastic names.  Somehow I don’t think the Pittsburgh Germans (pronounce the ‘g’ as you would in the word “go”), the Iowa Mountaineers, or the Nashville Capri Pants would fly today.

Rule #2:  It doesn’t hurt to have a fierce team name, but it’s not everything.

Another thing I thought about in determining the perfect name is the “King of the Hill” Factor, or the “My Mascot Could Beat Up Your Mascot” Factor.  If you just put the team names into a fight, who would win?  This is not a bad way to name a team.  In general, a fierce mascot is a pretty good way to go.  But there are flaws inherent in this system.  First, it makes for a lot of team names that seem inspired by little boys’ Halloween costumes: Cowboys, Pirates, Raptors, Lions, etc.  Secondly, it can create some rock-paper-scissors situations where there is no clear winner.  Take the NFC North.  Lion beats Viking (Vikings are tough, but not that tough), Viking beats Packer (tougher of two species of human), Packer beats Bear (mmm…bear burgers), and Bear beats Lion (they’re just bigger).  Thirdly, it can create some situations similar to this one from many peoples’ childhood imaginary games:

Kid 1:  I shot you.

Kid 2:  I have a forcefield around me that blocks bullets.

Kid 1:  I have a special gun that shoots through forcefields.

Kid 2:  I quit.

This is why don’t like the Washington Wizards or the Orlando Magic, they lend themselves to this kind thing (“I just cast a spell that makes me immune to Grizzly attacks”).  Finally, there are situations, such as the latest Super Bowl between the Colts and Saints they just can’t be figures out.  I mean who event wants to see a holy person fight with a baby horse?

Rule #3:  Let’s stay away from specific people groups.

When I was in high school, the nearby Millard South Indians changed their names to the Patriots.  Almost 10 years later, the team that plays America’s most popular sport, in our nation’s capital, is still called the Washington Redskins.  At worst, teams named after specific people groups are highly offensive, at best they are alienating (who, outside of Texas, wants to wear Houston Texans gear?).

Rule #4:  Team names should not best be described as “cute” or “pretty”

Like I said, ferocity isn’t everything, but it means something.  The Cubs, Colts, Cardinals, Bluejays, and Orioles are old enough that I am not advocating a name change, but their names hardly strike fear in opponents. (This also goes for a high school in my hometown of Omaha known as the Benson Bunnies).

Rule #5:  I’d like to buy an ‘S’

I’m looking at you Magic, Heat, Lightning, Thunder, Wild, and WNBA.

Rule #6:  Originality matters.

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with Bears, Eagles, Tigers, Panthers, Vikings, Cowboys, Wildcats, and Bulldogs, but we all played these teams in high school, why should we have to root for them in the pros?  (My elementary, middle school, and high school mascots were, respectively, the Wilcats, the Panthers, and the Eagles). 

I respect a team the goes with a generic idea, but puts a unique twist on it.  San Antonio could easily be the Cowboys, but went with the Spurs.  Cincinnati could have stuck with Tigers, but went with Bengals. 

Rule # 7: Geography matters.

Some of my favorite team names also tell me something about their city or state, and if you go this route, you probably have originality covered.  You also have something that your fan base already takes pride in. The Pittsburgh Steelers, the Hartford Whalers (RIP), the Green Bay Packers, the Portland Trailblazers, the Minnesota Twins, the Colorado Rockies, the Seattle Mariners, the Indiana Pacers, the Milwaukee Brewers, the Detroit Pistons, the Philadelphia 76ers. Those are among my favorite names in all of sports.

But in the immortal words of the mortal Juliet, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet."

I would root for the Boston Celtics even if they were called the Germans (hard ‘g’), or the Celtic, or Butterflies.  I would root for the Boston Red Sox even if they were called the Red Hats, or the Red Balloons, or the Red Herrings.  I would root for the Buffalo Bills if they were called the Williams, or the Teds, or the Jills.  But if any of those teams were called the Mighty Ducks?  I have my limits.